just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
