Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
