Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
