Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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