seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
