i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
