My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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