Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
