Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
