I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
