I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
