nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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