I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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