I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
