This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
