Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
