Bisexual people are plain selfish.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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