I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
