oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
