Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
