Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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