omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize