two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
