I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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