my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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