How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
