Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We got so high we made milksteak
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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