Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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