I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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