Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
