I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
