: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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