Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
