I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
