your parents love me but you hate me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
