Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
