My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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