omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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