You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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