it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
