I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
