Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
