ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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