Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
