I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
