Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
