shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
