sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
