I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
