I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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