Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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